"How’s quitting smoking going?"
Our parents never seemed happy together. We used to say that we didn’t know how they had found each other, why they married, or why they stayed together, but we knew we were meant to live in the world as siblings. You dropped the prefix that denoted our lack of shared DNA and replaced it with words that implied something bigger: your cosmic sibling, your soul sister.
We understood each other. We shared the experience of mental and spiritual illnesses that took our lives on an eerily similar trajectory; I just lagged behind by eleven years. When I said to you, I’m an alcoholic, I didn’t worry that you would still love me, and I wasn’t offended when you laughed, because you weren’t laughing at me. You were laughing because it felt like, of course, we were brought together to help each other with this struggle, too.
We haven’t spoken in a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because after what happened to our family, you worry that you’ll remind me of him; that you’re giving me space, that you want me to call first. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because as hard as it is to lose a soul sister, it’s harder for you to believe that your blood father could do what he did to me, and to my mother. It’s too much for me sometimes. It doesn’t always feel real to me either, and I was there.
But I miss you, and I love you. And on your birthday today, I’m thinking of you. I’m too scared to reach out and tell you - maybe I’m just not ready to find out what you’re thinking, if you resent me, what you’ve been told. But I want with all my heart every good thing imaginable for your life. No matter what, I’m sending love your way. And I hope that with whatever weird cosmic-sibling connection we have, you feel it, even if you don’t know it.
please could you reblog this if you’re a recovery account (regardless of if we are mutuals) and i am desperate to meet more of you wonderful souls but i am finding it so difficult to find blogs.
Many years ago a wise friend gave me a name for human love. She called it “stirring-the-oatmeal” love. She was right: Within this phrase, if we will humble ourselves enough to look, is the very essence of what human love is, and it shows us the principal differences between human…
I’ve been praying for the willingness to quit smoking for months and I keep hearing my first sponsor’s voice telling me to pray for the willingness and do it anyway.
So, when my next paycheck hits, I’m buying nicotine patches and doing this thing.
I’m terrified for some reason but I also really really want to not be smoking anymore.
Tonight my sponsee sister shared her story and she briefly spoke about bravery. About how she grew up believing that bravery would entail cinematic aspects (the swelling music, the set jaw, the triumph) or at least the feeling of being brave. But she said that she’s found bravery never feels that…